Everyone says having a baby is hard on a relationship, and we didn’t believe it. A baby wouldn’t affect us, we were great together. HA. We didn’t understand how the effects of sleep deprivation and no time together would impact us, but it did. So here’s my tips for connecting with your partner after having a baby. And as a bonus, at the end are some tips for choosing lingerie. This is advice we give our boudoir clients because these tips really help, and all of them are unexpected!

But let’s get into it. Connecting with your partner postpartum sounds easy, right? There’s nothing more Hallmark than a couple in love with a baby, getting pampered by a loving partner during the fourth trimester is every mom’s dream. But the realities of taking care of a newborn while completely sleep deprived does things to you. You are completely different people when you’re sleep deprived, you’re snappier and grumpier. Needs you were used to having met are now incredibly difficult to satisfy. Just peeing in peace, without suffering the consequences of hearing a baby scream because you set it down for sixty seconds, feels like a luxury in the newborn phase.

I mean, who has the right to be “more tired?” What if one of you needs to sleep and the other needs to talk to an adult? Intimacy postpartum felt like something that had to be checked off my to-do list, like loading the dishwasher, before I could go to sleep.

I’m going to share some things that helped our relationship get back to a healthy place. And I’m not a psychiatrist or a relationship professional or anything like that. I have a literature degree. This is just our story and my experience.

Tip One: Communication

My first tip is to prioritize talking to each other. There’s an app called the “Paired” and they have a free daily question and it’s really helpful. My husband signed up for the free trial and forgot to cancel it, so we have an unlimited resource of questions and quizzes to do, sometimes when we’re exhausted and about to go to sleep for the night, we do a couple of questions just to have something new to talk about besides work or the kids.

I think my husband’s love language is asking questions, so it works really well for us. It has a good blend of heavy and light topics that really allow you to keep up a healthy dialogue, and even when you can’t sit down and answer together, your accounts are linked, so you can still interact. This isn’t sponsored or anything, we just really like it.

Get the link here: Paired

Tip Two: Lower your Expectations

This is probably the tip that helped me the most. Don’t feel like there’s an “end goal” to being intimate. When it comes to accomplishments, I’ve always been the Type A, has-nightmares-about-making-a-B-on-a-math-test-type-of-girl. I really need to check all the boxes on my to-do list, or I feel like an absolute failure.

But this approach is guaranteed to fail. You are already giving all of your efforts to a newborn, just surviving sleep deprivation and being a full, round the clock caregiver. Get rid of the pass/fail mindset, and embrace the idea that any connection is a success right now.

You don’t have to do ALL the things, maybe start by talking one night, kissing the next, and so on. It can take time to get comfortable around each other again, especially if you are also adjusting to a new postpartum body at the same time. (Your body is amazing and produced life! You can know this in your mind, but still take time to get adjusted in real life. You are allowed to feel whatever you like about your body, when it comes to postpartum, everything is normal.)

Definitely communicate this lack of expectation beforehand and be on the same page about it.

Tip Three: Schedule Time to Yourself

Schedule some time to yourself before you schedule time with your partner. Maybe take a bath and change out of the spit up covered clothes or take a walk while your partner puts the kids to bed. That gives you space to feel like your own person before you have to interact with someone else.

Living in Amsterdam, the nearby Albert Heijn closes at 10, so if I’ve had the kids all day, sometimes I’ll go to the grocery store while my husband puts the kids to bed. Going out by myself gives me time to think, to put in a Gilmore Girls or Bridgerton podcast, something fun and lighthearted.

Tip Four: Learn Something or Pick Up a Hobby Together

I wouldn’t start this until your baby is a little older and sleeping predictably, or you may be setting yourself up for frustration. But having something to do together that isn’t filled with expectations or responsibilities can take the stress out of connecting and give you something new to talk about. Maybe you bake or paint or play a new video game together at night. Maybe you start hiking on Saturdays, or make a plan to visit local restaurants for brunch.

My husband and I learned photography together. We started by watching YouTube videos, but eventually attended workshops and arranged model sessions. It was fun and didn’t have anything to do with our responsibilities at the time, and it was great for our relationship.

Tip Five: Boudoir Photography

Is this a shameless plug? It would be if I were lying, and I’m not. This happened completely by accident. My husband and I were learning about all styles of photography, and we got into one of those “who can do it better” competitions. He took boudoir photos of me that totally changed how I saw myself.

Even before having kids, I never really liked my body. It was always just there and I was apathetic to it at best. I had always thought that my husband was just lying when he said I looked nice, because after two kids, my body looked nothing like what I thought it should. My chance to ever be a beautiful woman was gone, so I thought. I had had children young, my first at age 22. My boobs were saggy, and my stomach had stretch marks. I had frizzy hair and no time to fix it. My face was shaped weird, I didn’t like the shape of my nose. I didn’t have time to shave my legs. It was just this cycle of “I feel gross and tired. I am gross and old and it’s too late to feel differently.”

But when I saw the photos my husband took on the back of our camera, I finally believed him. I kept scanning the images with my stomach clenched, looking for something to hate about myself. Just waiting to see it. But there was nothing there. Nothing.

I had never felt that good about my body, even before having kids. But finally, I realized that sexy isn’t a set of dimensions or having perfect “assets.” For me, sexy was the confidence that came after someone took the time to show me what I really looked like. I felt like a real woman, whereas before I had always felt like a kid struggling to cope with a grown-up life. I finally became the main character in my story instead of a grumpy narrator.

If you’re struggling to feel good about yourself or your relationship postpartum, please please please know that things can get better just by changing how you think. You don’t need to lose weight for your session, and you don’t need a spray tan. We request that you show up exactly as you are and let us show you how amazing you really are.

Bonus: Lingerie Tips

Sim Sawyers is a boudoir photographer living in Amsterdam with her family. If you’d like to schedule your boudoir session, you can use the booking tab on the website or reach out by email at amsterdamboudie@gmail.com.

Click here to view our portfolio.